


Aches & Heart Swells

by neabee



Series: genderings [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Issues, Genderqueer Character, One Direction Hiatus, Other, Solo Niall - Freeform, Trans Character, implied zouiall tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-11
Updated: 2017-11-11
Packaged: 2019-01-31 18:43:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12688017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neabee/pseuds/neabee
Summary: am i writing another thing about a lot of my own gender feels and turning it into 1d fic? yeppers!shout out di (wepush) forever ever and for the phrase babe-o by the way and also for being who i go to for any gender q's and feels i've had 1d or personal based!





	Aches & Heart Swells

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dinosaur](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dinosaur/gifts).



It starts on a normal day during his solo album tour. This strange burning feeling in his chest Niall would liken something close to anxiety. If anyone asked him he would describe it as an itching feeling that he just didn’t fit right in his own skin, like he was about to vibrate out of his own body. He knew it wasn’t a physical thing though. He chalked it up to him just being on tour without the boys as if there was just empty space a part of him was trying to break free and fill. And it fluctuated on days too. Some days were fine and other days Niall ended up biting his nails down to the quick from pure nervous energy of just feeling off and knowing what it was or how to fix it. And of course googling things like this only brought him declarations of death. Niall was at a loss on what to do. It was like a constant, fuzzy tv static under his skin.

He mentioned it to Louis one day on the phone with him before he went on stage just to check in and see how he was doing.

“I just--I don’t know, lou. It’s this weird, dull ache inside my chest on the best day, and then this terrible itch that spreads through my whole body the next. I know I’m not dying, but I don’t know what’s wrong. I just can’t explain it, in a way I don’t feel like me. Is that weird?” Niall asked.

“It’s not weird, Nialler. I would recommend talking to Z about this though. Think he’d be a bit more articulate on the matter than I would. Listen, I gotta get going but I hope you have a good show. I know you’ll smash it, babe.” Louis said.

“Thanks, tommo. Love you.” Niall replied.

“Love you too. See you soon!” Louis said.

Niall hung up and clicked on his whatsapp with Zayn living in New York right now to finish his album whatsapp was the easiest way to talk to him.

_Hey Z. Lou told me to talk to you about this. Said you might be better at helping figure out what’s going on i guess. Just haven’t felt like myself lately. Feel like i’m in the wrong body if that makes any sense. On a bad day just wanna vibrate out of my own skin ! sounds mad i know so don’t worry if you can’t help. Love you and see you soon !_

Niall ended it with that and slid his phone into his pocket and made his way to the stage for soundcheck. He didn’t check his phone until on the way back to the hotel after the show that night. The crowd tonight was great, and doing a show without his boys there felt weird in all honesty, but Niall was excited about getting to perform his album to people, and in a way prove himself. Unlocking his phone Niall saw he had a new whatsapp message which was from Zayn.

_http://gender.wikia.com/wiki/Genderqueer_

_https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_dysphoria_

_Lemme know if these seem to describe how you feel or if they help at least point you in the right direction. :))) love, zayn_

Niall didn’t open the links until he got back to the hotel. Upon reading them he really began to think how he had been feeling lately about himself and if this could be causing it. If he was honest Niall had never heard of gender dysphoria or anything besides trans- in his life, and it all seemed a bit overwhelming. He tried to think of what it meant to be a man or woman, or at least what people thought made a person a man or a woman. Honestly he didn’t care much for either of the roles and what they entailed. Niall decided he had done enough thinking and attempts at self discovery for the night, closing his laptop and went to sleep. Just before he left the next morning Niall looked in the mirror and thought none of the clothes he was wearing today were particularly masculine or feminine, and he noticed the itching feeling wasn’t as bad this morning. He decided to refer to himself as gender!queer in his head that day, and see if it made a difference. See if he really felt like he belonged in his skin. The interesting thing was when he got back to the hotel that night after the show, he felt comfortable and centered. He didn’t feel like his skin was too tight or too loose. He didn’t know what to do with this new information and piece of him though and texted Zayn.

_Hey Z ! thanks again for listening. I checked out the links and decided to think of myself of more as a person today rather than any one thing today and it felt pretty good. Don’t know where to go from here though lol ! speak soon !_

Niall woke up the next morning to messages from Zayn.

_Hey babe. again it’s no problem ok? I would say now decide if you want to identify as anything beyond genderqueer or if you like that and feel that best. **It’s all a process babe-o!** love you ni _

Niall thought about it deeper the rest of the day.

More than just trying a new pair of shoes and seeing if you like them, but breaking them in and seeing how comfortably they fit your feet. Like finding a new space in yourself, a new room with new things to fill it with. To fill it with whatever he wanted, however he wanted.

~~~~~

It was never a step-by-step process down the road. There were good days and there were bad days like with a lot of things in life, but it made it easier with his boys being there for him.

For his birthday Louis gave him a Sephora gift card and said that he and Eleanor would take Niall whenever he wanted and he could look around and see if there was anything he wanted to try someday. That in particular made Niall’s heart swell and was his favorite part of his 24th birthday since he had mentioned that he may want to experiment with makeup someday to Louis months ago in passing after too many pints.

Months later, Harry gave him socks with stripes the color of the trans flag for christmas and he hugged him tight like the feeling in his chest, the ache this time in his chest a happy one.

 

Niall could live with this ache.

**Author's Note:**

> you can always find me at muffinmanhoran.tumblr.com and if you want any of my other tumblrs/social media just message me there! hope you enjoyed! <333


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